Elderly Parent With A Gambling Problem
Chuck and Becky help their mom keep her finances in order, but lately they've noticed she's running out of money far before the end of the month. Credit card statements revealed that Mom was spending an increasing amount at a local casino. 'Since I retired, I get bored at home,' said Mom. 'They send me coupons and I can take the free shuttle there. Besides, I have a lucky slot machine and I'm sure I’ll hit the jackpot soon!'
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Anyone who has lived with a gambler, or been in a long-term relationship with one, is going to have some emotional problems. No gets away unscathed. There is a wealth of support groups like Gam-Anon and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) to help the families of gamblers. Keep information on hand about support groups and facilities for the gamblers. Another sign of addiction is a new obsession with gambling that seems to have taken over your loved one’s life. Some older adults who are addicted to gambling often talk about it nonstop, while others stay up late to gamble online. Gambling addiction may affect your loved one’s health or relationships with others. If your family members or friends have a gambling problem, the chances are greater that you will, too. Medications used to treat Parkinson's disease and restless legs syndrome. Drugs called dopamine agonists have a rare side effect that may result in compulsive behaviors, including gambling, in some people.
March is Problem Gambling Awareness Month. Sponsored by the National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG), this event seeks to educate the public about gambling addiction and about help that is available. Gambling is a huge industry in the U.S. Experts report that Americans spend more on casino gambling, sports gambling, lotteries, bingo, pull tabs and internet gambling than they do on music, sporting events and movies combined. Casino gambling is more popular than ever; according to the American Gaming Association, gamblers spend more than $37 billion each year at the nation's casinos.
Statistics show that seniors are the fastest-growing group of gamblers. They enjoy bingo, racetrack betting—and especially, casino gambling. AARP recently reported that senior gamblers can be big business for casinos, who heavily target older adults in their marketing campaigns. AARP reports, 'Retirement-aged consumers are an especially desirable demographic for the gaming industry because they fill the floors during off-peak hours. Casinos market to them aggressively, offering discounted meals, 'Golden Oldies' entertainment shows, and complimentary shuttle service—on days when Social Security checks arrive.' A 2014 report from the Institute for American Values found that some casinos attract older gamblers with plentiful handicapped spaces in the parking lot, mobility scooters, and bathrooms equipped with adult diapers and needle disposal receptacles for diabetics.
A gambling addiction can be difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for these signs of gambling addiction in your senior loved one. Lack of Interest in Other Hobbies and Responsibilities If your parent has a gambling addiction, you may notice he or she no longer finds joy and excitement in previous hobbies. Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word.
For many seniors, gambling is harmless entertainment. They hop on the casino shuttle, socialize with others and casino staff, bet a few dollars and take advantage of senior discounts on meals, drinks and perhaps a show. They've set aside part of their entertainment budget for gambling, and they stop when they reach their limit.
However, the NCPG reports that some older adults develop a gambling problem that seriously impacts their financial well-being. The NCPG, whose mission statement says they are 'neither for or against legalized gambling,' seeks to 'improve health and wellness by reducing the personal, social and economic costs of problem gambling.'
What is problem gambling?
Problem gambling—also referred to as gambling addiction, pathological gambling or a gambling disorder—happens when a person becomes obsessed with gambling and has an uncontrollable urge to keep gambling. According to the Nevada Council on Problem Gambling, 'For the problem gambler, making a bet is not just about having fun or winning money. Gambling becomes an emotional response to change the way they feel.' In addition, warns the NCPG, a person might have a gambling problem if they are:
Elderly Parent With A Gambling Problems
- Bragging about gambling, exaggerating wins and minimizing losses
- Restless and irritable when not gambling
- Gambling in hopes of winning back what they have lost
- Borrowing money for gambling
- Lying to hide time spent gambling or unpaid debts
- Doing something illegal to get money for gambling
- Jeopardizing a significant relationship or job by gambling
Why are seniors at higher risk?
The NCPG explains that boredom, isolation, depression and cognitive impairment affect judgment and make it harder for senior gamblers to stick to their limit. Seniors on a fixed income—who can little afford to gamble away their money—might hope that they will strike it rich and improve their financial situation. In addition to the signs above, family may notice that their loved one has withdrawn from the activities they used to enjoy. Possessions may have disappeared from their loved one's home, and their loved one is vague about what happened. A senior may be neglecting their personal needs—food, medical care, or exercise. And here's a sign experts often cite as a red flag: Seniors with a gambling addiction show little interest in the buffet, entertainment or social aspects of a casino trip, instead heading straight for their 'lucky machine' and settling in.
What can family do?
The first step is to review the warning signs of problem gambling to get a better picture of whether your loved one has a problem. You can't step in merely because you don't approve of gambling, or you think Mom should spend her entertainment money somewhere else.
The next step is to determine whether there are medical reasons behind the problem. Gerontologists say problem gambling might be a sign that a senior is dealing with early Alzheimer's disease or other cognitive impairment that impairs judgment and impulse control. The side effects of some medications also can make a senior more susceptible to compulsive gambling. For example, certain drugs prescribed to control the symptoms of Parkinson's disease have been linked to impulse control—including pathological gambling. Urge your loved one to be evaluated by a healthcare provider to rule out or diagnose these problems.
Having a conversation about problem gambling can be very difficult. Your loved one may resist talking about it and may insist that there isn't a problem. Assure them that you have their best interests in mind, and that you want to help, not judge. Encourage your loved one to talk to a professional. Treatment is available for gambling addiction and includes support groups, psychotherapy and sometimes medication. Consider bringing in a geriatric care manager (also called an aging life care specialist) to mediate the conversation and to help you locate treatment resources. Talk to your loved one's financial manager, or consult an elder law attorney. Sometimes, if a senior is no longer able to manage their money, families must take a larger role. (Read 'Stepping In, Stepping Up: Legal Issues for Family Caregivers' in the August 2016 issue of the Caring Right at Home newsletter to learn more. A poll in that issue found that many Caring Right at Home readers have held a durable power of attorney or guardianship for a senior loved one at some point.)
Not every gambling habit rises to the level of addiction. A senior who goes to the casino several times a week to stave off boredom and loneliness might find even more mental stimulation and companionship through a senior recreation program, volunteer service, events at their faith community, or taking a class. Help your loved one locate appropriate activities in the area. If your loved one has become isolated due to mobility challenges, consider hiring home care to provide companionship and transportation. Even computer games can be a substitute for folks who enjoy relaxing with a machine—and as a bonus, these games offer far more mental stimulation and brain exercise than a slot machine.
Learn More and Get Help
Visit the website of the Problem Gambling Awareness Month sponsor, the National Council on Problem Gambling, to find the National Problem Gambling Helpline.
Right at Home, Inc. is a national organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for those we serve. We fulfill that mission through a dedicated network of locally owned providers of in home care services.
I had a rather picturesque childhood. I lived in the suburbs, about a fifteen-minute drive from the nearest city. I remember walking to school every day, hanging out at friends’ houses, and having a secure and carefree existence. I would describe my upbringing as middle-class. I took piano lessons, tennis lessons, language lessons, and even went on out-of-state vacations every three years or so.
Now, I am in my early twenties and have the privilege of working in a career I love, with a good paycheck and no student loans. I have a decent chunk of money saved and a healthy Roth IRA.
Still, I feel anything but financially secure. Why? Because my mother is a gambling addict and has no retirement savings at all.
It’s difficult for me to pinpoint when my mother became addicted to gambling. Here’s what I remember: when I entered high school, my mother started having severe mood swings and would spend weekends away from home with “friends.” My mother had lost both her mother and her sister within a year and half of each other. My mother took the deaths very hard, spending weeks on the couch crying. I tried my best to comfort her, but what was a 14-year-old to do to make situations like these better?
I had been filing my immigrant, single mother’s taxes since I was in middle school. I remember that the amounts of money she spent gambling just kept rising and rising. She wouldn’t buy a $60 JanSport backpack for me but here she was, spending thousands and thousands of dollars at the slot machines. To top it all off, she informed me—rather brusquely—when I was applying for college that she would not pay for any of my college costs.
The hurt that I had been holding in erupted. It felt unfair that all my friends’ parents, who were middle income just like us, were helping their kids pay for college—and my mother, who easily dropped thousands of dollars per year gambling, could not even bother to spare the money for her only daughter. She argued that it was important that I learn to stand on my own feet instead of relying on her forever. Then she informed me, in a lower tone of voice, that she simply had no funds to pay for any of my college tuition. Most of her savings were gone.
That’s when I understood that my mother was a bona fide gambling addict who would prioritize hours at the slot machines over her child. I was 17 years old.
A little more than six years have gone by and nothing has changed. Instead, it’s only gotten worse. I ended up attending a cheaper in-state college, working throughout to pay off my tuition and extraneous costs so that I would be debt-free when I graduated. It was a grueling existence, putting in six-and-a-half-hour night shifts at a local restaurant and taking a full course load during the day.
I was constantly bitter about my mother choosing gambling over me. As she began to burn through all her savings and sometimes even her monthly salary, my mother would ask me for money to cover her losses and help her stay afloat until the next month. It started as a rare occurrence and evolved into a regular request, coming every two months or so. At first, she would repay me; eventually, I understood that I would not be getting any of the money back. I was working long hours in a minimum wage job, making less than half of my mother’s salary while going to school and paying for it, and she was asking me for money. I saw it as yet another betrayal.
My mother became more hysterical as her savings continued to dwindle and she failed to win anything back in her slot machine pursuits. She would put immense pressure on me to provide her with money for her gambling addiction. She tried to emotionally manipulate me by telling me that if I truly loved her, money shouldn’t matter. Playing the slot machines was the only way she felt happy, and didn’t I want her to be happy? Did I want to see her tossed out on the streets because she couldn’t afford the rent? Besides, she would pay me back with her next big win—and even if she didn’t win, she had spent her entire life raising me. Now, it was my turn to pay her back.
My mother told me it was my duty to support her gambling habit. She rejected my continuous suggestions to see a therapist to address her addiction. It tore me apart to have to hand her thousands of dollars to fulfill my responsibilities as her daughter, hoping every time that she would finally see that her gambling was extremely self-destructive. From my calculations, I have given her nearly $40,000 in the last three years that I don’t expect to see back.
I estimate that my mother has spent nearly $500,000 on her gambling addiction, not including the money I’ve given her. Most of her monthly paycheck goes to her addiction, all her life savings are gone, and she has even emptied her retirement accounts to sustain this sickness of hers.
Frankly, I am ashamed of her. I also feel like I have been backed into a corner. I often wish I had someone to talk to but it’s a difficult subject to easily discuss with anyone. I have heard a few friends, very few, who have confessed similar situations to mine. One friend lost his childhood home when his gambling addict father re-mortgaged the house without informing his family. In the throes of a gambling high, his father also drained all of the money in his family’s bank account. Since then, this friend has never talked to his father again, unable to forgive him for the financial hell that his father put his mother and siblings through.
I still remember this friend saying that the best thing to do with gambling addicts was to cut them loose or risk being dragged down with them. To be honest, I don’t know if I can cut my ties to my mother that easily. Perhaps I am too empathetic, but I do know it’s not easy to be a single mother in any sort of situation—and the fact that I am an only child only adds to the guilt I feel.
Instead, I have been reduced to negotiating with my mother about how much money I can realistically provide her with my financial goals in mind. Recently, the landlord increased my mother’s rent. I told her that I would cover the rent increase as I was already covering the utilities, car insurance payments, internet, and providing a few hundred dollars in living expenses every few months or so. Once again, my mother became hysterical on the phone. She insisted that I had to pay the deposit and first month for a new place and the moving costs as well.
“Take out a loan if you have to. You can’t continue being so selfish. I need to move, now,” she screamed.
Moving would cost about $3,500. My mother wanted me to be on the new lease too, because her credit score is so low now that it would be difficult for her to find a new place to live. A cold sweat began to form on my forehead as I listened to her demands. That amount would easily wipe out all the money in my savings account. I wasn’t willing to do that, especially when I remembered the last time I gave her the money for the deposit. She insisted on taking cash, because she wanted to write the landlord a check from her own bank account instead of mine. Three days later, she came back, asking for another $1,400 because she had gone to the casino and lost everything. I also needed to add $300 because she ended up overdrawing her accounts.
I was aghast at seeing $3,100 of my earnings gone so quickly. I cried for a week straight but she didn’t bat an eye, only muttering sorry. I wasn’t in the mood to go through that again.
Elderly Parent With A Gambling Problem May
Needless to say, my mother rained down another torrent of verbal abuse about my “selfish” relationship to money before hanging up on me in a fit of anger. I find that I am angry about myself more than not. My friend’s advice to cut ties with my mother is smart, but the thought of actually abandoning my mother squeezes my heart pretty hard. I want to be a good daughter, but to what extent?
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This is the question that I, the child of an addict, share with thousands of children of aging addicts throughout the world. The elderly now live longer than before but expenses have also gone up without a similar increase in salaries. All I have tried to do is be a good daughter, but there comes a point where my financial support does more harm than good, as it enables my mother to continue gambling without bothering to thinking about all the damage that she has caused.
Anonymous hopes to someday buy a house and retire before 70.
This story is part of The Billfold’s Parents Month series.
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